The Waiting Game

I think one of the hardest things to do is wait. 

A common theme in my life recently has been waiting. Just have patience, God says. I will provide.

It's easier said than done.  Especially for me, who is very impatient. 

I've recently been on the hunt for a full time job. Which, when looking for journalism and public relations in Cincinnati, is nearly impossible. I've applied for multiple jobs, and I still haven't heard back from any. It's also hard when a lot of available jobs require X amount years of professional experience, which, as a graduating college student, I don't have.

It's frustrating. I really need a job by the time I graduate so that I can afford to live with my friend in Norwood in August. I feel strongly that this is something I'm supposed to do - that God wants me to do. Without a job, I won't be able to do this. And I'm impatient - I want a job now. I want that assurance. 

But it's not always that simple. God has his own timeline, which is not the same as mine. I have to adjust my timeline to match His. 

Just wait, I will provide.

It's hard for me to have no control over how something works. I want to get things accomplished as best and efficiently as possible.  It's hard for me to say, God, take control of this situation. I'll wait and trust in you. 

Is this hard for you guys, too?

Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
    your vindication like the noonday sun.

Be still before the Lord
    and wait patiently for him.

   Psalm 37:3-7

Trust and commit your ways to God and He will give you the desires of your heart. How cool is that? The hard part is the waiting that is involved!

The other hard part for me is deciding what exactly I want to do. Although my major is in public relations and english, is that really what I want to do? I dont think so. 

I found myself in college. I've had a lot of ups and downs and a lot of negative experiences, but those experiences shaped me into who I am. And although I had a lot of really bad experiences, I also had some really, really positive experiences. 

My time spent with Navigators has shown me a lot, and I think it has helped me decide that I want to somehow be involved in ministry in my future. Whether that is becoming a worship leader, doing service, working with the Navigators or other campus ministries, I'm not sure. But I know I want to lead by example, like 1 Timothy 4:12 says:

Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, life, love, faith and purity. 

So I guess I have to accept that I simply don't know what the future holds for me. I have to rely that God will provide a job and that I'll be able to move to Norwood. All I have to do it wait. 

Side note - happy 22nd birthday to my roommate, Abby! You're the best, and I hope you enjoyed the red velvet cupcakes! 

Reflections & Ponderings

If there is one thing I have learned more than anything this weekend, it is the power of God's unconditional love.

This past weekend, I was blessed enough to attend my final Discipleship Weekend with the Navigators. Although I only attended two of the past four, it has always been, by far, my favorite retreat the Navigators puts together. Fall Conference is wonderful and it is always exciting to compete against other campuses in the Navs Olympics, but Discipleship Weekend has a special place in my heart. Let me tell you why.

I joined Navigators at the very end of my freshman year in college. I didn't really do much with them, but I knew I wanted to be more involved the next year. As a sophomore, I was asked to do the comedic announcements at NavNite with Nikhil, a man who has now become one of my closest brothers in Christ. This minor involvement led to me becoming extremely involved and, at the end of the fall semester, I was asked to go through New Leader Training to become a small group leader the following fall. The selected few were asked to come to a secret meeting, where we were given roses and letters upon arrival by the two current leaders (Stephanie and Cristin) and the Navs staff member, Mark Bruner. The whole thing was beautiful. That night, I left NavNite in tears. I was filled with joy, and I knew God had chosen this path for me for a reason.

Discipleship Weekend (Key Laborers) 2011

In the midst of training, I attended my first Discipleship Weekend retreat (which was then called the Key Laborers Conference). We are paired up with another member from our group, and that is our "spiritual buddy" for the weekend. This retreat, my buddies were Miranda Gerber and Elizabeth Krach (I was in a triple because Elizabeth had to leave for part of the retreat). This was the beginning of getting to know each other very well, and both of them have proceeded to become two more of my closest friends and sisters in Christ.

Discipleship Weekend 2013 - look how much we've grown!

The reason I came to love this retreat was the reflection portion at the end of the weekend. This is a Navigators tradition, where everyone meets with their school and all reflect on their experience over the weekend. This is usually everyone's favorite part of the weekend. However, this session was especially intense for me because I had just gone through a rather large emotional struggle with my now ex-boyfriend. I broke down in tears. This was followed by one of the leaders, Cristin, breaking down about law school school applications and her struggles. Everyone in our community pulled together to comfort one another, share tissues, and hand out hugs. The reflection was ended with some hilarious comments by Nikhil to lighten the mood ("Nikhil, what would you do if your wife was on her period and needed tampons?" "I'd give her cotton balls and sticks."). Later, I had a hysterical breakdown in the car with Liz Bruner, the wife of Mark (Navs Staff). This breakdown was the beginning of a very long (few year) road to recovery from brokenheartedness (for reasons I won't get into). Although emotionally challenging, this retreat showed me the love and community that Navigators brings to its members, and I felt the love of God shining in my life.

Save me from the walls that I build

From the broken heart inside of me

That just will not heal

Save me, when it's hard to believe

And the faith I need

Is so far from the world that I see

Won't you save me from myself

"Save Me," Nate Sallie

Fast forward two years, and I'm now a senior on that same retreat. This time, the retreat takes place at my own church, Faith Church. I'm surrounded by a community I have spent the past 3+ years with, with new friendships and new experiences. I am a leader of a women's Bible study with some pretty amazing women. Watching how much Navigators has grown over the past few years has been such a blessing. I'm preparing for graduation, terrified and unsure of what I should be doing with my life. My best friends are still the people I met in Navs my sophomore year - Sean, Jack, Nikhil, Miranda, & Elizabeth - and we are all on the retreat again (minus Elizabeth). It's clear the weekend is emotionally charged for everyone and many of us are going through some big personal struggles. The seniors - myself, Becki, Jamie, and Alex - are graduating soon. Jack is transferring to Cincinnati State//eventually UC to become a biomedical engineer, so this is his last retreat. Many members are struggling to overcome broken relationships from highschool and college. Others are struggling with intimacy and self-esteem issues, and others have broken relationships with their parents. Some of us fit into all of those categories. Whatever the problem, this retreat is needed for the entire Xavier Navigators community.

The four of us - me (top), Nikhil (middle right), and Jack and Sean (bottom left and middle) in 2011

A few things happened on this retreat that simply blew my mind. First, I was given incredible amounts of hope and blown away by the manifestation of God's love in some of the members of our community. On the first night of retreat, while the men were having fun wrestling each other in their free time, Mark dislocated his shoulder and was rushed to the hospital. Of course, when we all heard the news we prayed for him and hoped he would get better. I thought that was as far as things would go, but I was wrong.

The four of us at Discipleship Weekend in 2013

The next day, we are called together for a meeting by Nikhil and Reid, a sophomore Navs leader whom I was fortunate to watch grow as one of the leaders of his freshmen Bible study last year. The two announced that we would be heading into a time of worship and prayer for Mark, and they would be collecting donations from everyone to help pay for Mark's medical bills. Because Mark has been such an influence in all of our lives, especially the lives of the leaders, we felt compelled to help him and surround him with love and care in his time of need. No one was required to donate, and many of us still have yet to decide on an amount to donate. All donations are anonymous. I discovered later that the total raised in that half hour alone was huge. I won't share the exact amount, but it was enough to leave me standing in awe. I am speechless. This impromptu meeting really showed me a glimpse of God's unconditional love for all of us. This community of college Christians was willing to sacrifice a significant amount of money, that we could be saving or using to pay for school, to help ease the burden of the man so many of us admire. This left me speechless and thankful that I have been blessed as a member of this community.

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in you

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

"Beautiful Things," Gungor

I also appreciated getting to know Kathleen, my former resident (I was her RA last year in Husman Hall), a lot better. She was my spiritual buddy this weekend, and we had some conversations I never expected to have this weekend (but really enjoyed!). She helped me begin to process through one of my current struggles, and she opened up to me about her personal struggles. It was a blessing to talk with her.

During my person time of listening prayer, God confronted me about some issues I don't want to face.

I am currently considering applying for EdgeCorps, which is essentially a one to two year internship with the Navigators. I would most likely return to Xavier in the fall and work as a staff member to help lead and further student's relationships with God. The thing that worries me is fundraising - I'm not allowed to work, and I have to fundraise my entire salary for the year before returning to campus. 75% of this needs to be fundraised over the summer, or I won't be allowed to come on staff. 75% of my salary is around $27,000.
This is an outrageous number, and it worries me. However, I still want to take that leap of faith, trust God, and apply for the position.

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

Don't want to leave them hungry for love

Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight

And give them the best of my life

So we can call this our home

Lead me 'cause I can't do this alone

"Lead Me," Sanctus Real 

During listening prayer, God urged me to tell my story to certain people before I go around fundraising. This makes me nervous, because I don't want to tell my story to them. However, I know that doing so will give me peace. Yet there are so many reason why I don't want to share, and fear is only the beginning. How can I tell someone when I'm too afraid I'll be rejected?

God also brought to my mind the idea of taking a six-month break from dating anyone to simply pursue Him. A girl in my small group, Daniela, is doing this and is currently at the halfway mark. I bought the book she suggested and have begun to read it, and so far, I am enjoying it. But, really? Take a six-month break from thinking about guys, having a crush, or pursing someone? This is challenging for me because I've always wanted to date someone (not anyone specifically, just in general) from Xavier and within Navigators - someone who loves my school and God as much as I do. With only a few months left at Xavier, that doesn't exactly put me in a place to go on a six-month dating hiatus. However, it's been on my heart the past few days, and I think it could be good for me. It's something I have to pray about a lot more, but I'm starting to grow into the idea.

Finally, we reach reflection time - something always extremely touching and powerful for me. As usual, the girls are clutching toilet paper, ready for the massive amounts of crying that is about to happen. Landen makes his usual speech - he doesn't talk much, except for at reflection times, when what he says is always profound and has some deeper meaning we all love to hear. Some of the men share about their personal struggles, and the seniors reflect on how much they will miss NAVs when we all graduate. One of my closest friends this year, a freshman named Tyler, and I cried on each others shoulders. Without sharing too much of what people revealed, I will simply say that it was a reflection that left me contemplative and very sad about my impending departure from the Navigators community.

So, there you go - a really, really wordy story about why I love Discipleship Weekend. Thank you to everyone who made it so memorable - I love you more than you know. I pray God will be able to use me in your lives throughout the rest of this semester. Thank you for always being there for me!

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! 

What are you thankful for today? 

Yesterday, I went to the Last Wednesday service at Crossroads Community Church, here in Cincinnati. It's a special service they hold once a month on the last Wednesday of the month. Its never let me down. 

This month, the service focused on being thankful for what God has done in our lives. Everyone in attendance was given one of the cards you see above, that asked us to reflect on our year and think about where we have seen God in different areas of our lives. What were some unexpected blessings? When did God provide physical protection? What friends are we especially thankful for? 

There were a few things that really stood out to me during the service. First: Thanksgiving reminds us that if we don't get one more thing this year, we are already blessed beyond belief. Chuck (the pastor) even went so far as to say that Thanksgiving is the more religious day of the year because it prepares us for Christmas. Second: God calls us to give thanks regularly, but we don't. Why only be thankful on Thanksgiving? We have so much to be thankful for! And finally, third: God always provides just enough, just in time. You might be worrying right up until the last minute, but God always provides exactly what you need. 

What I've realized is that I truly have a lot to be thankful for. My friends are amazing - especially those in Navigators. I love them to death. Although I've been friends with my current friend group for a couple years now, they have become more than just my best friends this year - they have become my family. Sean, Nikhil, Jack - where would I be without you? I love you guys. Thanks for always being there for me. 

I'm also thankful for my family, my car, a strong mind, a love of music, a thirst for knowledge, a love for God, and a compassionate heart, among other things. I'm thankful for being driven and never giving up, even when I'm frustrated and want nothing more than to quit. I'm not a quitter. (Examples: Today I fixed a broken cookie scoop with pliers that was obnoxious to fix. I also didn't give up on my senior thesis paper, which I really considered doing. Like I said, I'm not a quitter!) Most recently, I'm thankful for the mental breakdown I had a couple weeks ago. It really helped me to figure out who I am and start down a journey to becoming a whole new me. I like the new path I headed down! It's scary and exciting. 

Be sure to keep your eye on the blog - I was recently contacted by Stonewall Kitchen about reviewing their seasonal holiday products, so keep an eye out for some yummy gingerbread pancakes soon! I will also have a recipe for maple bacon cupcakes and a review of Panera Bread's soups (which are delicious, by the way). Plus, the second annual Great Food Blogger Cookie Swap is coming up soon, and you know what that means - COOKIE RECIPES! 

So, I have a couple parting questions for you. What are you thankful for this year? And, What are some of your favorite cookie recipes? 

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! 

New Leader Training

New Leader Training.

For the past two and a half months, myself and five others have been dedicating a lot of our time to memorizing scripture, studying the Bible, and reading literature about what qualities make up a good leader. We have been in training to become the new leaders of Navigators, Xavier University's nondenominational Christian group on campus. Over the past two and a half months, I have really bonded with these people and developed close friendships I will continue to have for the rest of my life. They are all amazing; I feel really connected to all of them. I am closer to some more than others, of course; but still, we are all great friends. I have also learned a lot about myself and my faith through this whole experience, which has been absolutely amazing. I will miss spending three hours laughing and learning together every Sunday...but...next year will be even better!

Thank you guys for a wonderful experience. I love all of you.